The Case for Monogamy

Love, Flow and Growth

In the last few decades the goal of starting a family has been degraded. Marriage and having kids is viewed more as a prison sentence rather than a source of joy. Polygamy and promiscuity is encouraged among young people whereas monogamy is considered old-fashioned. But is there value in both paths of ordering one's life? Can we feel happy by the stability of monogamy and maybe even satisfied with the plethora of options that modern society provides?

A very popular idea is that young adults need to take advantage of their youth and explore multiple options so as to stack up with experience for later in life. A long and stable relationship is often regarded as tiring, boring and unnecessary. While experiences in early adulthood are key to a healthy development, it doesn't mean they have to be aimless. Young adults have the freedom to try, fail, and try again until success is reached. Whether it is a college degree in a specific subject which is later substituted for something different, or a business startup that never provided returns, at this stage time is an ally. People use the data of these experiments to further develop their sense of self, acquire new skills, and figure out what they love doing on an everyday basis. They cement themselves in society as unique individuals both economically and socially. The choice of partner should be no different. The same experiment needs to be made with the same noble goal: develop the self, acquire useful skills, and finally discover the right partner.

It can be argued that the greatest plague on modern society is the abdication of responsibility. Irresponsible adults cannot achieve individual development so much so that they get stuck in the same pathological behavior for years. As early as adolescence, people tend to go through the motions with no clear motivation or plan for growth. Promiscuity combined with no sense of a personal goal is often what causes their future relationships to fall apart. Once it becomes the norm, stability is almost unattainable. The case for polygamy (and/or promiscuity) then rises as a result of living in a society full of options and products of different flavors. Why should one be chained to a partner when sexual variability offers a lifetime of pleasure? Why even feel the need to fight for the stability of a relationship when, clearly, somewhere else the grass is greener?

These are sound arguments, but pleasure is not an accurate metric. It is short lived, shallow and doesn’t leave room for personal development. Enjoyment on the other hand is a multi-dimensional variable, a result of many things coming together, and corresponds to a feeling of fullness and oneness, a sensation of flow. Based on this concept, flow can be described as a sensation of deep involvement, enjoyment and focus on the activities at hand. In his book, psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi talks about Flow as the most accurate representation of meaning and enjoyment, if one can use it wisely. When attention, challenge and skill inhabit the same space in time the experience that is generated is of great significance. Individuals report that when participating in activities that produce flow, ranging from playing chess, skydiving or spending some time with their family, they are so emerged in the task at hand that their sense of time and self disappear. Following a flow experience a person is left with a sense of accomplishment by having completed a complex task. The organization of the self is now more complex. A complex being is characterized by the capability of great individual feats and of their contribution to a larger entity. A rock climber, for example, is extremely skilled and simultaneously fully integrated with his comrades, the mountain, and nature itself.

Csikszentmihalyi states that some of the most meaningful flow experiences that offer complexity are the result of strong familial bonds. While maintaining relationships is by no means an easy feat, they cause a deep sense of belonging and offer continuous feedback. Similarly, two partners with the same goals can cultivate a relationship based on trust, companionship and love. But how is love and companionship linked with Csikszentmihalyi's Flow, and our own quest for meaning? American social psychologist Jonathan Haidt, makes an important point in his book “The Happiness Hypothesis” that helps us visualize the different kinds of love that healthy relationships will encounter:

To save the dignity of love, you have to understand the difference between two kinds of love: passionate and companionate. Passionate love is the love you fall into. It is what happens when Cupid’s golden arrow hits your heart, and, in an instant, the world around you is transformed. You crave union with your beloved. You want, somehow, to crawl into each other. Companionate love grows slowly over the years as lovers apply their attachment and caregiving systems to each other, and as they begin to rely upon, care for, and trust each other. If the metaphor for passionate love is fire, the metaphor for companionate love is vines growing, intertwining, and gradually binding two people together.

If we take seriously such metaphors then passionate love will someday fade or be snuffed out. The effects of such a fiery “drug” are short-lived and the aftermath is brutal. Immediate disillusionment follows as partners are made mortal again, naked in the face of rational truth. This marks a crucial moment in the relationship. Everything hangs on a thread and breakups are most probable. The relationships that pass this test reach an important milestone: henceforth, companionate love will dominate and slowly increase in intensity over the years. Passionate love still exists but with noticeably lesser intensity.

Source: Jonathan Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis

Based on this graph, in the large scale of our lives, intense passionate love is but a small chapter in a much larger and more meaningful story. Csikszentmihalyi’s concept of Flow beautifully compliments Haidt’s data. Companionate love can produce even more intense Flow experiences when the couple sets common, everyday goals as simple as decorating the house and planning a trip, or more sophisticated ones such as raising children. New situations give rise to new challenges that the couple must overcome which in turn give room to more complexity that allows more challenges to appear. What we can dare infer from such a description is that Flow experiences are one of the reasons companionate love evolves as the ultimate source of joy in adult life.

All of the above make the case that a stable relationship is one of the most precious sources of enjoyment. Even if one believes that having multiple sexual partners is the most valuable way for reaching happiness, Haidt and Csikszentmihalyi prove the opposite. The power of Flow and companionate love is proven over and over again. Polygamy often causes feelings of restlessness, anxiety, lack of connection, jealousy, lack of respect, and most importantly the absence of an ultimate goal for life. Although this is not always the case, someone who values polygamy certainly misses out on the possibility of one of the deepest experiences in life. Monogamy has the potential to offer both long-lasting enjoyment and companionship, and maintain a certain level of passion. One caveat: the aim must be growth.

Imagine who you could be, and then aim single-mindedly at that.
- Jordan B. Peterson: Beyond Order, Rule II

So far we made it clear how love and flow are connected. But how does growth fit into a monogamous relationship? Discussions concerning the notion of self development have recently been too focused on the material and not the behavioral. One way of understanding individual growth was briefly explained in the definition of complexity: differentiating oneself by acquiring a unique skill set while simultaneously achieving integration with a larger whole. A more suitable definition, for our case, would include the values that work as the foundation based on which transformation can occur. Trust and negotiation seem to be the most crucial values to be aimed at. Clinical psychologist Jordan B. Peterson advocates strongly for these traits, in combination with sexual attraction between the partners. In a 2021 Q&A, he brilliantly stated:

All things considered, a certain amount of similarity in the personality dimensions is to be recommended. Then I would say that I think it’s necessary, or at least highly desirable, that you find the person that you are with sexually attractive, and that’s somewhat ineffable. You can be confronted with two people who are, by objective standards, equally attractive and find yourself very physically attracted to one of them while the other one will leave you cold. I have seen couples who get along as friends try to bridge that romantic gap by will and I haven’t really seen it be successful. So I think you need that spark that ignites sexual passion.

He continues:

Then you have to ask yourself if you can trust the person, If there are activities that you can share with them that would make up a life, if you are oriented in approximately the same direction with regard to your goals, especially important goals like career and having children, if you think you can come to some agreement about how the economic resources could be distributed, or at least how that might be negotiated, if you can negotiate with the other person. Trust is the most crucial component, maybe followed by the ability to negotiate. The right person is someone you can negotiate with because there’s going to be differences between you and them, there should be, hopefully they’ll be, because the two of you are bringing different skills to bear on the problem. That means you have a more diverse reach of potential responses, which can be good, but also that there’s going to be conflict. The issue then becomes, can you negotiate through the conflicts? And will the other person stick to their negotiated solution?

This is where the abdication of responsibility shows its forked tongue. The natural consequence of leading an irresponsible life is the continuous demand of undeserved goods. Attributing your bad behavior such as lying, cheating, and rudeness to external parameters effectively destroys any chance for discipline. It is a toxic mindset that poisons the future of young adults and strips them of their capability to transform. Although this is a complex issue, here we speak specifically in terms of personal growth and behavioral attributes. For example, honest, faithful, and caring individuals have proven themselves worthy of a partner with similar values and will most likely attract such a person. This is simply because people with common goals are, more often than not, a better match. Responsibility means telling the truth about whether your own insufficiencies are holding you back from achieving who you could be. Discipline means acting on that truth. Willingness to tell the truth is the first step in the journey for growth.

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Who must you become in order to attract what you most want? Simply demanding it will not do. You have to be free of resentment and bitterness. Enjoyment can be found both in achieving a goal but also in the process itself. Will you not enjoy building yourself as a capable, honest, trustworthy and protective individual? Isn’t simply the process of growth enough to cause a constant flow experience? Is it necessary to demand constant results? And if you reach the point of demanding results, is your growth an illusion or does willful blindness mask its presence? As the cliche goes, you reap what you sow. Intentions matter. Are they true? Is “the good” the top priority instead of personal gain? A seed of truth inevitably cultivates wisdom. A seed of demand, however, leads to a lifetime of dissatisfaction.

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